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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27934825">of sweet dreams</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/notabully/pseuds/notabully'>notabully</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Blue Lock (Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Tabito-centric, anyways im Sad, check notes for trigger warnings!, pain just lots of pain, rinsagi if you squint, theres also chigiris sister present</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:54:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,662</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27934825</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/notabully/pseuds/notabully</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Wake up."</p>
<p>And so he did.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Itoshi Rin/Shidou Ryuusei, Karasu Tabito/Shidou Ryuusei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>of sweet dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>before you start:</p>
<p>major tw:<br/>- suicide<br/>- domestic violence<br/>- emeto<br/>- starving<br/>- child neglect<br/>- self-harm</p>
<p>enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sometimes one text is all it takes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Tabito: ryu (02:21)</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And Ryuusei knows exactly when it is supposed to be all it takes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He ran up the stairs, shaking the raindrops off of his hair and coat. It was wet and cold and he hated it but there was nothing he couldn’t do if Tabito needed him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito hated the rain. It was dark and cold and uncomfortable and it made him feel sticky and dirty and this sensation drowned him in a tactile ocean of sounds and smells and feelings. When there was no time for drowning at all. He didn’t like the suffocation that came with being so vulnerable before the face of true fears. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why was he vulnerable? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He could never </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>why, he just always ended up the same, tearing the box apart because he didn’t have the time or the strength to open it and trembling slightly as he stared at the amount of pills in the bottle that he could only label as </span>
  <em>
    <span>too many.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Painfully aware of what </span>
  <em>
    <span>too many </span>
  </em>
  <span>is. And he hated himself so much each time.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe one day this could kill him, a thought floated in the back of his mind, numbly painful, but he drowned it back, at least tried to. He took a glance across the room. Awfully normal, paint splashed on the floor, a face on the canvas sparkling the gag reflex that he suppressed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His hand shook, dropping the bottle, and the meds rattled, striking thunder across the room. Tabito gasped lightly, curling up, forcing the tears back into where they belong. He’s a strong boy, he can get through this. It won’t be like last time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What happened last time?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> what he did, but he couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>recall</span>
  </em>
  <span> it, even though some dark memory, hidden in the depths of his brain and the infernal screeching of an ambulance and the suffocatingly sweet hospital smell and the sharp pain piercing his stomach that suddenly crawled out of every single crack and hole made him sick. He tucked his nose in between his knees, trying to breathe. Convincing himself that what happened </span>
  <em>
    <span>then </span>
  </em>
  <span>wasn’t real, that it was just some nightmare.Trying to stop feeling </span>
  <em>
    <span>that feeling</span>
  </em>
  <span> again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knew it was a lie.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tried his best, though. It helped collect his shatters into a somewhat reasonable shape. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hoped that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Day S</span>
  </em>
  <span> would never happen again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Echoing of steps. Ryuusei’s indistinct rambling. Loud beeping. The terror of losing his last breaths, covering his body in a childish cry. Someone holding his hand. Dark. His heart trying to beat, whatever it takes. The sounds fading slowly. Only the smooth sensation of fingers stroking his palm lightly, a familiar gesture the meaning of which he could not recall, and his body slowly going numb. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wake up.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And so he did. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The click of a turning key awoke Tabito from the daydream. Ryuusei’s steps were those unmistakable from any else. He tried to collect himself, hide his weakness he had already once shown and never wanted to be seen again. It was too late, though. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei stood in the hallway, studying the room. “How many did you take already?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito wiped his face, only then realizing how damp it was. “N… none. Not yet.” It sounded weirdly casual, almost as if Ryuusei was asking if he has had breakfast yet. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei exhaled, dropping on his knees and wrapping his arms around Tabito, squeezing lightly. “That’s great.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei’s coat was wet and cold and Tabito could feel the soft worry that he had only sensed </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> day filling the room, and it smelled like wet dust in a somewhat nice, comforting way. “Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei scoffed. “Did you think about her again?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Click. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito promised himself that what happened on </span>
  <em>
    <span>Day S </span>
  </em>
  <span>would be the last time he had shown the weak in him, but it was a lie now, a certain lie. He could feel himself tremble, breath unsteady, trying to hide from the sense of his lungs clutching his heart, suffocating it. “Please don’t.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tabito…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t talk to me about her.” Try to breathe. Try to breathe, don’t let yourself suffocate. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I said don’t fucking talk about her.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei backed off for a second. “Sorry.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito lifted his eyes, blinded, but clinging to Ryuusei’s hand apologetically. “It’s not your fault.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei nodded. “I’m just glad you’re… alive.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito pursed his lips and chuckled bitterly. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The only thing that saved him on Day S was Ryuusei coming back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito sometimes wondered what Ryuusei felt back then; Ryuusei remembered all too well. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He remembered how his hands trembled, dialing the ambulance number. How he listened to each of Tabito’s breaths, hoping it wouldn’t be the last one. The taste of blood on his own lips. He would never admit how </span>
  <em>
    <span>scared</span>
  </em>
  <span> he was. How mindlessly happy when he could hear the familiar breathing again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He remembered the soft female voice guiding him while he took the knife out carefully. Sticky blood on his hands. Slippery. A siren’s light howling outside the window. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“This is Itoshi Rin, but apparently I’m unavailable. Please leave a voice message, unless you’re Shidou. In case you are Shidou, please fuck off.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey Rin, Tabito just tried to… nevermind. Just tell Ego I won’t be at work today. Bada-bing.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Click. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito fidgeted with his ring, examining the mess he had made in the room. “It’s been weird since you moved out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to bother you.” Ryuusei leaned his back onto the couch. settling next to Tabito and sighing heavily. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bother you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito blinked and turned to Ryuusei. “Wait, wait, now say that again, but slowly.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to bother you, so I moved out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Err… what?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It was because of me, wasn’t it? What happened back then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito scratched his cheek, looking away. “You know I don’t have a single idea </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> I did it?” Lies. Lies again. “That’s what this entire </span>
  <em>
    <span>therapy</span>
  </em>
  <span> thing is about. I would barely even remember </span>
  <em>
    <span>what </span>
  </em>
  <span>I did if the nurses and Kuon didn’t remind me every three hours or so.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fair.” Ryuusei paused. “I wish </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> could forget it like that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But it’s not going to happen again, promise? The only thing haunting me is the chance of finding you in a puddle of your own blood once more.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito scoffed. “Well, they did confiscate all sharp objects I had, pens aside. Kuon says it’s only until I’m considered mentally stable and shit. Honestly, at this point I think it’s about me going around and stabbing others, not my own wellbeing.” He spinned the ring again and leaned his head on Ryuusei’s shoulder, quiet. “Come back.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re still wearing it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The ring.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Tabito stretched his hand to get a better look at said ring. “Obviously I’m still wearing it, dumbass.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei picked his hand up and played with the ring himself. It was the same one, a slim silver band around his ring finger. He’d proposed with it a million times, every day, and Tabito would say yes a million times and they were so stupidly happy and in love it hurt to think about it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ryuusei hated to admit things were wrong. But something was wrong. He could never put this into words, but loving Tabito felt sweet yet something, </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>something </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>about him was bitter. It hid in the way he moved, spoke, smiled, something was off. It was as if he was infinitely sad, yet not trusting enough to let others know. It seemed as if something was bothering him. His paintings became darker, most of them barely finished. At some point Tabito dropped the brush, telling Ryuusei he wouldn’t paint again.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ryuusei needed things to explode. Tabito was everything that made things explode. But explosions bring destruction. And Ryuusei has never thought about the destruction his explosions bring. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Panic disorder, PTSD, minor depressive disorder. Tabito trying to convince Ryuusei it’s not his fault. They talk about her for the first time.Trying to track the moment it went downhill. Tabito barely sleeps, and when he does, it can’t really be considered sleep. Ryuusei hates himself for not being able to do anything, and the thought of losing Tabito like this, like sand slipping through his fingers, hurts. Maybe it’s because of him, maybe it’s him who wasn’t good enough for the both of them to be happy. Tabito keeps smiling and joking and pretending it’s alright but it’s not the ‘alright’ it used to be. He’s way stronger than Ryuusei is.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And Ryuusei leaves. It’s not a breakup or whatever, but the wall is finished. They’re back to Stage 1. Ryuusei comes around every day and watches Tabito wither and blames his ego but this very same ego isn’t letting him come back. He asks about the patches on his wrists and hears a stupidly obvious lie, and another one, and another one. He’s not the one to talk about lying, however, so he pretends to be fooled. It’s alright, but it’s not the way it was before. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And then it’s Day S.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sometimes he thinks he should have slowed down, he should have called the ambulance when it was too late, he should have made a mistake and just let it all end. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His fingers stroked the back of Tabito’s palm subconsciously, while he was off in thought, taken out of it by the sensation of something wet, like a water droplet. Tabito cried. Cried again but so softly, so kindly it didn’t hurt. “You’re really here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei thought back to the last time he did that. Months ago, probably. He fidgeted his thumbs, taking a better hold of Tabito’s hands and pressing them against his forehead. “I’m here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito smiled. “One day, I’ll be here too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They both hope it’s true. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The rain was slowly ending, its quiet dripping against the roof could be barely heard. The clock ticked quietly as Tabito and Ryuusei picked the mess up. Trying to bring life back to normal. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei read the label on the medication bottle. “Wait, didn’t they change the prescription after?..”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A bit embarrassed, Tabito nodded. “They did, but I kept the previous receipt. It works better.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not really supposed to work like that...” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Works pretty well for me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei frowned. “They’re the ones, right?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito bit his lip. “And what if they are? I can’t last without them.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>One, two, and what was left in the bottle went into the kitchen sink. Ryuusei turned the water on, watching the pills get washed away and dissolve. Tabito looked at Ryuusei, then at the sink, and back at Ryuusei. “What the fuck?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“‘I can’t last without them’ my ass, you won’t last </span>
  <em>
    <span>with</span>
  </em>
  <span> them. They changed the prescription for a </span>
  <em>
    <span>reason.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito leaned on the kitchen counter. “Do you even know what it’s like? Here you go again, jumping to conclusions as always just to think you’re saving someone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I am saving </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you really?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei pouted, while Tabito continued. “What made you think I </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be saved? Maybe I’m better off like this.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No you aren’t!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And what if I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am?!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I just know that you…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>“Have you ever thought you shouldn’t have saved me back then?! That I did it for a reason as well?!”</em>
  </b>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei inhaled sharply. Tabito paused, rethinking his words, hatred changing into despair in mere seconds. “Wait, I’m…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s fine.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s really fine. Didn’t I say I’ll be there for you?” Ryuusei forced a smile, soothing slowly. Fake it ‘til you make it. “I won’t break my promise twice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito curved his lips, averting his eyes. “I’m really that fucked up, huh.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Acknowledging the problem is the first step to getting rid of it. But I will tell Kuon.” The smile got real. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei could be hurt, but he could never be mad. So he looked away, suddenly noticing a canvas on the floor, forgotten there. “You’ve been painting again?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito nodded, sitting down on the kitchen counter. “Guess that was the one promise I couldn’t keep.” He paused and closed his eyes. “One of the promises I couldn’t keep.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A portrait of a woman with black hair and dark circles under her ice-blue eyes. She looked like a hound, her refined features almost carnivorous. She looked off pensively, her slim hands covering her mouth slightly. Ryuusei picked the canvas and took a closer look. “Is this her?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito hummed and got down from the counter. “Yeah.” Pause. “Also, there’s something I have to do with it.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei blinked, handing the portrait over. Tabito frowned, looking at it once again, then throwing the painting on the floor and stepping on it, listening to the fabric rip. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stared at the canvas for a few seconds, dumbfounded, and stepped on it again. The frame clicked, snapping in half. Tabito stepped back to admire the ruined painting, only to burst out laughing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sunshine pours in through the curtains, and Tabito wakes up for the first time. He can’t recognise the room, but something tells him this is not okay. He blinks a few times, remembering what happened prior. A text from her… anxiety medication… err, a burglar? Yeah, with a knife. Sharp pain in his stomach. Sounds real enough. He’ll go with it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He notices Ryuusei, sleeping soundly with his head on the bed. Tabito pauses pensively, putting his hand in his hair, nudging him to wake up. Ryuusei yawns and opens his eyes sleepily. “Tabito?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He sees it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Noisy, but endearing. He buries his face in the crook of Tabito’s neck, laughing. “Dumbass.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Tabito chuckles apologetically. “Did you catch him?”</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Ryuusei stops smiling. “What?”</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“The guy who stabbed me, did you find him?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ryuusei frowns and swallows. “Tabito…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Something is wrong, terribly wrong.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“...you did it yourself.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s a coping mechanism; your brain erases the painful memory and replaces it with something nicer to preserve your mental wellbeing. Especially since it was hazy from the start.” Tabito watches Kuon scribble something into his notepad. He feels stupid, like an open book forgotten somewhere on a bench in a park in the middle of nowhere.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then why do I have to remember?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Kuon looks at him indifferently. “It’s not the last painful memory you’ll have.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Tabito sighs. “Okay.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let’s talk about her. I assume this is where the trauma stems from, along with poor emotion control.” Kuon’s voice is annoyingly soft and calming, and Tabito hates it. It’s so difficult to refuse. He wants to talk about her, but can he?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want to.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s a lie.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“However, there is something stopping you.” Kuon leans forward with an expressionless look. “Hm… I’m not a school counselor, Karasu.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You sure look like one.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s a lie, too.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, it’s not.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Whatever you say.” he leans back, legs crossed. ”As soon as you get over the very specific trust issue that holds you back.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Kuon really does look like a school counselor. Untrustworthy, cold, salty. But he doesn’t pity Tabito, only ever stating the truth. It hurts sometimes, but that is the only way to recover. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>However, actual school counselors are times worse and maybe Tabito’s just being an asshole.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re an artist, right?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well… yeah, I mean, I don’t paint anymore.”</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Kuon flips the page on his notepad, reading something. “What did you usually paint?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Things I hate.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh. And why is that?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Tabito pauses. “It helps me hate them less. If I put the work into them to make them beautiful, then maybe there’s something beautiful in them. That’s what I… uhh… want to do. Forgive.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Forgive…” Kuon sticks the tip of his tongue out, but hides it immediately, reminded of something, and bites his pencil. “Maybe you should try and paint something.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Accidents are rare. Accidents are rare, yet Karasu Marina was a magnet for those. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A train crash in Kyoto. About a hundred victims, including Jiro and Aiko Karasu. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She fixed her raven hair, sitting down at the dinner table, and looked at her son, who has been trying to draw something in his album with a focused expression. She watched him for a bit. Defective. “It should have been you, y’know.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The boy nodded, not tearing his eyes away from the paper. “I know.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Marina was young, beautiful and widowed. Tabito was nine. And she would give anything to switch him with them on that train. It should have been him. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s your fault that they’re dead.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“If only you went instead of Aiko…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fucking brat.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It still hurt so badly, but no one was there to help. So she tried wine for the first time. She has never tasted a single drop of alcohol, but felt good. It made her happy and forgetful. She didn’t miss Jiro with wine. It wasn’t too fun for Tabito, however. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She was still as beautiful as ever, on the outside at least. She smelled like cigarettes and cognac. She knew forty ways to let Tabito know what an awful mistake he is. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Marina drummed her fingernails on the table, waiting for something she had long forgotten. “Maybe I’d even sacrifice Jiro if you could replace your sister.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Tabito nodded again, closing his empty amber eyes. He knew it, she told him that so many times. He’s not hurt, he simply told himself that Marina had it rough too. Besides, there had to be something wrong with him if she hated him so much. He didn’t want it, but there was nothing he could do. He was just thirteen, after all. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She started coming home late. She stopped cooking. She started to break bottles for fun. Mixing alcohol with sleeping pills. Blaming Tabito again. He’s the issue, yes, he is. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He was fourteen. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The door slammed for the last time and never opened again. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Tabito waited. He’s still waiting. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito opened his phone, scrolling through the messages. Dozens of “get well soon” sort of texts. He ignored them all back then. He never liked being pitied. He pitied himself enough. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There it is. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Unknown: Finally found your number. This is your mother. It’s been a while, I was wondering how you were. Maybe we should meet and talk? I have a lot to discuss with you. I got better. Think we could make some amends? (Sep 18, 17:33)</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito sighed. In retrospect, this text wasn’t something to stab himself in the stomach over. But he did understand why he did it. Despair, </span>
  <em>
    <span>memories,</span>
  </em>
  <span> additional points if affected by medication, are a strong motivator. Or better, demotivator. Even rereading and reflecting made him uneasy. Something was wrong. She wouldn’t turn up after eight years simply to talk. He played with his ring nervously, and his hand wandered off to find Ryuusei’s, interlacing fingers. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Tabito: sure (Today, 7:32)</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knew he’d been at least two months late, but he also knew who his mother was. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Karasu-kun has been skipping school for three weeks,” the voice on the phone sounded preoccupied. “His mother hasn’t been around either and she doesn’t answer any phone calls. We didn’t see either of them go out of the house. To be honest, I watched it for a while out of curiosity, but there’s no movement whatsoever. Could you maybe check up on them? I’m really bad at those things.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anri nodded, reassuring the worried lady. “We definitely will, thank you for letting us know.” An empty house… there probably just wasn’t anyone, maybe the mother and son went on a vacation without telling anyone. And then disappeared. Classic migration. It wouldn’t hurt to check, though. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She dialed a number. “Chigiri, I think there’s someone we should check up on.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She took a close look at the house. It looked even worse than in the pictures. Maybe it’s because it was raining and the rain washed the past neatness off. It wasn’t tended to for a while, and the plants in the little garden turned into a forest already. Anri looked at Chigiri, receiving permission from the other woman and knocked on the door. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No reply. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anri knocked again, a bit louder. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Still no reply. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“There isn’t anyone.” Chigiri nodded and turned away. She could only make a few steps until a weak bang on the door could be heard. Another one. And another one. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anri flinched, Chigiri turned back immediately and ran up to the door. “Is anyone there?!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Please... help me.” The voice clearly belonged to a child, a very weak child, breaking into whispering. Anri swallowed.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can you open the door?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, she locked it.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Who is she?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Please, help…” the voice broke down for a second, “...me.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’ll help you. Stay calm, it’s almost over.” Anri glanced over at the windows, locked with fences, the ones they put to prevent babies from falling out. They were attached to the windows firmly. She turned to Chigiri. “Call the police and the ambulance.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“One, two… three!” the door crashed and fell in with a loud bang. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anri ran inside first, looking around. Torn wallpaper, dried up flowers, thick layers of dust and a child. A boy, about thirteen or fourteen years old with messy black hair and empty brown-ish amber eyes. He was so pale and thin he looked almost transparent, like a ghost, blue bruises on his arms and legs. He trembled lightly, both out of exhaustion and of fear. It seemed that the three thuds that attracted her and Chigiri’s attention took all the strength he had left. Anri gasped and got on her knees in front of him. “It’s okay now.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The boy looked up at her. “I’m… so hungry.” He let himself close his eyes, falling asleep, or maybe losing consciousness immediately.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>—</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Name?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Karasu… Karasu Tabito.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Age?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fourteen.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Any relatives?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mother, but she left me. You know that. Dad and sister are dead for maybe… wait… five years now.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I see.” Anri closed the notebook on her lap and leaned in closer to the bed. Tabito had been rescued two days earlier and was looking more or less human. More human than back then. He lied in the bed, arms wrapped in bandages, and looked outside the window. “Karasu…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hm?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“How did you get through the three weeks?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I boiled wallpaper straps and ate them. There wasn’t any food, so it was the only option left.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wallpaper?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It has paste in it, so it’s technically edible. They ate it during the Leningrad blockade.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh…” Anri lifted her eyebrows. “Why didn’t you call for help?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“All the phones were broken… and the door locks from the outside and can’t be unlocked from the inside without a key.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You could have broken the window, couldn’t you? There would have been noise and it’d attract attention.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I only understood she left me after four days. Couldn’t do a lot this late.” He spoke like an adult, gestured weakly, but like an adult, and made so much sense Anri was only reminded of his age by his fragile vessel of a body. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Four days?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, she used to leave for two or three days often. I don’t know where she went or what she did, but it doesn’t matter now. And...” he stared back into the window, starting to mumble. “...I thought it was my punishment.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anri didn’t ask anything else. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up at the sky, awkwardly blue. Checked the time again, along with a text.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ryu: are you sure you don’t want me to come w/you? (11:34)</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Tabito: it‘s fine, really (11:36)</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knew that Ryuusei was worried, but it’s his business that he still had to finish. It was her who ruined everything, after all. He stared in his cup of kelp tea, then glanced around at all the people, wondering if they knew what was happening. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Wondering how weirdly they didn’t care about what was happening around them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The bell on the door chimed, announcing a new visitor. Tabito lifted his head with a flinch. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His heart skipped a beat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Marina turned her head, looking around, her gaze boiling the air, and Tabito felt an instinctive nauseous need to disappear. It was too late already, though. He pulled the sleeve of his grey sweater, hiding the wrists, before feeling the burning stare on his skin. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Marina blinked, settling in front of him and resting her chin on her hands. Tabito stared into the cup, afraid to look up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito flinched at the sound of her voice. Cold as ever. “Why are you here?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Marina squinted. “What do you think?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want to guess.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t think I’d raised such a coward.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“To be fair, you didn’t raise me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this how you talk to your elders?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not an elder I can respect. Just tell me what you need and go away.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Marina pursed her lips. “You’re still so defective.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And you’re still such an asshole. You said you wanted to make amends.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I lied, obviously.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.” Tabito drummed his fingers on the cup, thinking convulsively. “Did you just come to torment me again?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t really care about you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh? So six years of abuse and nine more of neglect and abandonment with you suddenly rolling back into my life are supposed to be solid proof that you don’t care?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Marina sighed. “That’s because you deserved it. You took everything I’ve had.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I was a child.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Children are guilty too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, they’re children.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“...I saw one of your paintings.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito paused, biting his lip. “Which one?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The ‘Corpse’ one, I believe.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bright red streaming down the blue-ish grey skin of a child. Their face is partly covered with a tiny bird’s wing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito played with the napkin. “I couldn’t find the beautiful in that one.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It is nice, though.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It hurt.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It hurt back then. It still does sometimes. I know you wanted the normal child, the good one to be alive. I know I could never replace Aiko. But.” the napkin crunched, tearing apart. “I wanted… I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to fit you. And you could never see it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why would I care?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Because no one cares what you want.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Marina gasped and clenched her teeth. Tabito blinked, looking up numbly. “What is it? You can’t hit me? What a pity.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tore one more piece of the napkin off and drummed his fingers on the table. “By the way, I know what you came for.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Marina frowned. “Oh?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not a ‘normal’ child, as you tend to remind me.” Tabito drew the quotation marks around “normal” in the air. “Besides, it’s not really that hard to figure out you’ve wasted all of Dad’s inheritance. And, apparently, no man wants a drunkard asshole.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But what’s more, you assumed that </span>
  <em>
    <span>I,</span>
  </em>
  <span> your son whom you left to die in an empty house without food or supplies, will for whatever reason just go ahead and forgive you.” Marina dug her nails into her knees. Tabito chuckled. “You’re even more stupid than I remember.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, I can…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, mom, you can’t.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t. I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>tired, </span>
  </em>
  <span>it’s not as easily fixed as you wish to. You almost killed me so many times, I lost count. Nothing can fix this.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Marina sat quietly, unsure what to say. Tabito sighed. “You miss dad and Aiko, I know. But, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck, </span>
  </em>
  <span>what made you think that I don’t? That I wasn’t ready to offer myself up? That I didn’t know it should have been me? That I still don’t blame myself?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s supposed to be like this.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito stood up. “I know. Sadly, this doesn’t correlate with my current life plan; I’m getting married in a few months and trying to live a somewhat normal life. Without you. And, possibly, without this blame you put on me.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Married?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“...who could ever love you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito picked one of the pieces of the torn napkin up and smiled lightly. “To be honest, I have no idea. But he does, even though I’m not really… as good as he deserves, but as long as he’s here, I’ll be happy enough.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With that, he sprinted out of the cafe, never letting Marina say anything else (and also leaving the bill to her; that was kind of a thoroughly planned revenge scheme). She sat there for a few minutes, confused and hurt.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He?” She stared into the emptiness in front of her, slowly shifting the focus to the window.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito almost ran, chuckling to himself. He checked his phone. Ryuusei was abnormally quiet, but he was working, even though he’s never really focused, so Tabito didn’t really pay any mind. He walked quickly, staring into his phone, when someone grabbed the collar of his coat, pulling him back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin hated picking up the phone when the name “Shidou” was displayed on the screen. He was a polite person, however (or at least he told himself that he was), so he did pick up every single time. Even in the night. Even if he was sick. He just considered himself polite. That made little sense but it worked for him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rinrin!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ryuu- Shidou.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, come on, I told you you could call me by my name.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s unprofessional, we’re coworkers, after all.” ‘Coworkers’ tasted weirdly on his tongue, and he definitely liked ‘Ryuusei’ better than ‘Shidou’, but he couldn’t afford such a luxury. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shidou sighed. “Whatever. Anyway, I need you to do me a favor.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What kind of favor?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quiet. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shidou?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, sorry, I got lost in thought.” Shidou thought? “Erm, you know Tabito, right? I think you’ve met.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Karasu Tabito, Ryuusei’s ex-boyfriend-now-fiancé (Shidou joked about it for about three weeks after they got engaged. He rarely shut up about Karasu in general), also known as the suicidal maniac who drove Shidou into months of quietness. Truly a powerful man, Rin noted to himself sarcastically. Itoshi secretly despised him (Isagi also said it was jealousy, but that was impossible; Rin </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t be jealous</span>
  </em>
  <span>), mainly for that insane act and for hurting Shidou and for how the other kept holding onto him even after they kind of parted. It wasn’t jealousy, rather pity. Karasu was smart, smart enough to understand what he was doing, and Ryuusei, despite not lacking a brain (Rin hated to admit it, but it was true), couldn’t see anything because he was just so enamored it made Rin sick.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin kind of, maybe just a little, a tiny silly bit, wished it was him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ve met him a couple of times. Why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shidou cleared his throat. “Well, he’s gone off today and won’t let me go with him, so…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What does it have to do with me? If you need to whine to someone about it, you know Isagi’s number.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it can be dangerous for him, so I… I entrust him to you. Can you please make sure he’s safe? Please? Just pick him up. I’m not asking for anything else.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No. I’m not a babysitter.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Please. I don’t want it to happen again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin knew what ‘it’ meant. “No.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hung up before Ryuusei could say anything else and threw his phone on his bed. “You want to make sure he’s safe…” He paused, thinking, battling the nudging feeling in his stomach. “God-fucking-damn.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Rin: What’s the address? (10:47)</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hated the way it felt. Hated the way he wanted to be in Karasu’s place. The way he would go to any lengths for Shidou without any logical reason. Itoshi Rin isn’t a person who feels. Itoshi Rin is moved by strict logic and ego. He’s better than some suicidal artist. He knew Shidou since college and they could possibly be called friends and Rin liked to think that he knew Ryuusei better than anyone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei didn’t choose him, though. Shidou Ryuusei is moved by impulse, and for some reason, disregarding cold calculations, chose the suicidal artist. And Rin backed off before he could get rejected. He wasn’t ready to fix himself in a way that would fit, so he told himself that he wants to see Shidou happy, and if it’s Karasu that makes him happy, then so be it. But it didn’t truly feel like that. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Obviously, it was selfishness, but selfishness was his nature. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The problem was that this kind of selfishness wasn’t what Ryuusei needed. Rin wasn’t what he needed. So maybe he was just a little jealous. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He maybe, possibly, sometimes regretted taking Ryuusei with him to that party. Losing him in the crowd. Anything to not have choked a few months later when introduced to Karasu. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he liked to think that he wanted to see Shidou happy, so he shoved that overwhelming feeling into the corners of his lungs and pretended to hate him and whatever tagged along with that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tapped the steering wheel, looking around. He could see Tabito talk to someone from the window, but the other person was out of his view. Scared at first, but bending gradually to snap at some point. Rin could feel it, he did it himself so many times. Tabito stood up, said something final mutedly and ran out. Rin watched him turn his head a few times and walk off rapidly and got out of the car, to be ready to catch him. Karasu didn’t notice him, he has never ever had, so Rin enjoyed himself as he grabbed the other by the collar and pushed him back, savouring the surprise. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito gasped, quite literally taken aback, slipped on the ice-crusted ground and fell. He sat on the ground for a few moments, processing, then lifted his eyes on Rin, stared a bit, and burst out laughing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rin?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin felt his insides shrink. He hated this face, this voice, this </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything </span>
  </em>
  <span>that reminded him how Shidou preferred them over Rin. He quickly recollected, though, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to, and crossed his arms on his chest. “Hi.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito looked off, stopping the laughter. “Did Ryu send you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ryu.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Rin wanted to throw up. For a moment he thought Tabito knew about how jealous he was, and was playing with him on purpose. Maybe the hatred was mutual. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you know?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito grinned mysteriously, picking himself up from the ground. “I know a lot of things.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s been two minutes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Two.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Two, and Rin already wanted to slam Karasu’s head into the concrete, ruin that pretty fucking face, until the ground was covered in blood and gasoline chrome and the blue and red whirring of a siren lit up the sky and Rin could finally breathe. His barely existence was pissing off. Rin choked on unspoken words, turning away and taking his seat in the car and offering up the other.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sunshine shined on the interior of the car pointlessly and coldly. The two sat in silence foe a while. Rin was entirely focused on the road, Tabito looked out of the window. The air was electrified, any spark would blow the car up, or at least it felt like it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin almost calmed down when Tabito spoke suddenly. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry he’s doing this to you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who?” Rin tried to play dumb. He felt it wasn’t working and he knew the answer, but the realization was too painful. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ryuusei.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Karasu tore his eyes away from the window and looked at Rin. “He knows. Even I know.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And, to be honest, I think you deserve him more than I do.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin has never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to make a sharp turn and drive into a wall. But your death isn’t what happens to you in specific, your death happens to everyone else and he didn’t want to put a burden of funeral and shit on others yet, so he controlled the urge. “Don’t…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito turned away. “What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t say that when he chose you, you idiot!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quiet again. Tabito swallowed, staring off. Rin slowed the car down. “That’s right. That’s true. I’m jealous. Isagi’s right. I’m in love with him and I’m jealous of you but…” he almost started whispering, but forced himself into speaking as loudly as he was able to. “...but he chose you, and if he did, then it was the right choice.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito blinked, surprised. Rin felt the tension in the air dissolve slowly, breathing out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin’s eyes started burning, and he instinctively forced the forming tears back, swallowing the painful feeling. Tabito looked at him, confused. Rin took a deep breath before continuing. “He chose you, but that doesn’t mean I’m still not looking after the two of you. Even if he did choose you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you mustn’t hurt him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He relies on you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Karasu nodded. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you hurt him, be sure I’m coming for you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito stared at the other for a bit. Rin pulled over, noticing the familiar building and sighing in relief. He unlocked the doors, waiting, but felt Tabito’s arms wrapped around him. He gasped and fought off in panic, making the other laugh loudly. “You’re such a dumbass, I like you!” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin lifted his eyebrows. Tabito laughed for a bit, and continued once calm again. “Thank you. Thank you for guarding us. And for picking me up.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m doing this for Shidou.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can call him Ryuusei.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito chuckled, opening the door and getting out. He wanted to close it, but paused, thinking about something. He then leaned in the car. “By the way, Isagi has been trying to ask you out for a while.” Excited, the door closed with a snap. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Isagi?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rin turned his phone on and started typing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m home.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rin picked me up. Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you thanking me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you asked him.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh… I sometimes forget you’re smart.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not funny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re laughing.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito threw the keys on the kitchen table and leaned in to kiss Ryuusei with a snicker. “You’re a clown.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei smiled widely. “That’s rude, I’m actually the whole circus.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fair.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s even ruder.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How did it go?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito pulled away and walked over to the counter, setting the kettle on with a familiar beep. “Fine, I guess. I don’t think she will come back.” He giggled. “Kind of came out to her but never got to see her reaction.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. By the way, I think Rin should be the best man.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“At the wedding.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I was actually thinking the same.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s nice. Dumb but nice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re cruel.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito reached for a cup and hummed, listening to the boiling water. A thought flicked. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Spill that entire thing on yourself. How will that feel? Warm, maybe? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He blinked and shook his head, fixing his breath. “No.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei flinched. “What is it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing, it’s just… never mind.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ryuusei squinted, but turned to his laptop. “I’m glad you could settle it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too. It was kind of a relief.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fair enough.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Also…” Tabito sighed, pouring the water into the teacup, watching it change its color. Funny how it was so dangerously close, and yet was so obedient and domesticated. Mesmerizing. “...sorry for. That. Well. Time when I scared you. And all the other times I said stuff.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s nothing.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I never meant to hurt you, I just…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shush.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito stopped, staring in the cup, scared to look away. Ryuusei thought for a few seconds. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t care if you hurt me, really. I know you don’t mean it, I know it’s not even you speaking, so what’s in caring for me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Ryuusei stared into the air for a few seconds, then cackled, standing up. “Sometimes I forget you’re smart.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t help but feel bad about all the shit I sometimes do.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault, really.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I almost poured the boiling water on myself.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But you didn’t, and that’s great!”</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Keep saying nice things, please.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I will never stop, I swear.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tabito waited for a few seconds, still not looking up, trembling with tears. “Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you liked it, find me on twt @enbyeita!</p>
<p>if you didn't like it, which is quite fair, find me on twt @enbyeita</p></blockquote></div></div>
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